Who Am I At 30?
Tomorrow I turn 31. It’s been a fast and strange year. I thought 2020 was really going to be my year to do the things that I was holding out doing. It kind of was and in many ways was not.
Visions Of Grandeur
According to my vision board (I love a vision board), I was going to take holidays, by myself, for the first time — and I don’t even really travel but since I got a camera for my 30th birthday I’ve started to look at more photography and even experienced wanderlust for the first time. I wanted to be open to dating, by meeting new people, going dancing and to meetup events, at least one a month. I wanted to start caring about the clothes I wore rather than wearing whatever I had to their last threads out of some internal notion that I didn’t really have a body that was worth dressing in clothes I liked, or that fit. I wanted to take action and be inspired by independent creatives to do my own projects, mostly writing but not just that, and I was going to push my career, such as it is, so I could get to a place where I felt established — basically I was going to take myself seriously as a freelancer rather than acting like I was winging it, and winging it, even though I did have the skills to do it properly.
As Hillary Once Asked, What Happened?
So what happened? Well, I actually did start making the kind of changes to my lifestyle that felt good and habitual. I bought a black winter coat, which might not sound like a big deal, but it was a really nice, stylish second hand coat. I felt well dressed in it. It was a reminder that I could feel good in clothes.
I started going to a tabletop board game meetup. I love board games, and there are so many that I’ve wanted to play for a long time. I found the meetup group at the end of February 2020 and had been to two or three sessions when COVID-19 hit London and then that was that. All meet ups have basically stopped since then, including seeing any friends.
Dating or meeting new people obviously evaporated with lockdowns, as did travelling internationally or at all really. I felt like an over revved car that stalled just as it had started to climb a hill.
The pandemic hasn’t been good for anyone — apart from the monsters who are profiting from PPE equipment via government contracts that they haven’t fulfilled and the billionaires who have shut up shop and ruined the lives of so many workers. In general though, particularly as a freelancer, I’ve been lucky.
I’ve still had enough work to allow me to keep paying rent. A new project I’d had lined up sadly couldn’t go ahead because that business was all but shut down due to COVID-19. Being stuck indoors also meant that I spent less so really I wasn’t earning and wasn’t spending the money I’d use for dinners with friends, day trips and treats.
My 30th Year: In Review
At fully 6 months into the pandemic, and half of the first year of my thirties, living this strange new life, I’ve been thinking more and more about, not what could have been, but what is compared to what I thought was going to be. (Bit of a tongue-twister there.)
I’d hoped to travel. Instead, I started working on a new novel that has a global setting and have been researching landscapes, topography and places from around the world. I’d wanted to meet new people. I kind of have, interacting with more people on a few social platforms, catching up with distant friends and (re-)connecting with one of my best friends from school in a way that makes it feel like we’re 14 again — in a good way. I wanted to date and that won’t happen, but I just might be better placed to know what I want when it comes along. And I’ll certainly have less hangups as I’ve continued to do work on myself, mentally, while I’ve been in lockdown.
So who am I at 30? I’m a hopeful person. I’m a writer. I’m queer and empathic. I’m creative and someone who can now take care of (some) plants. I’m learning to nest a little more, even unpacked some boxes that have been lingering for about 2 years — seeing as there is no chance I’ll be moving anywhere for at least a year. I haven’t had quite the new lease on life that I was hoping for, but I’m okay. Maybe even good. And I’m living. So all round, a good start.
