I’m Getting Lonely In Isolation
At the beginning of the recommended social distancing, pre-lockdown, I was feeling okay about spending some time by myself. There were things that I wanted to get done, writing, planting, home exercising. I knew that if I was structured then I would be able to feel fulfilled without forcing myself to be accomplished.
Several weeks in though, I’m beginning to feel disconnected. In particular, from my friends. I have a small group of close friends, plus some casual friends and former colleagues who I keep up with when we can. I reached out to a number of people early on in the hopes that we could keep up a dialogue and perhaps increase the amount of texts or calls now that we all had this abundance of down time. That hasn’t happened.
I usually meet up with a lot of my friends in person, rather than have casual texts or call conversations. I like the more intimate, personal nature of face-to-face. Now though, not having the kind of relationship that exists at a distance means that I’m feeling like I’ve been set adrift.
I arranged a couple of video calls in my first week of isolation and one was good, then another my friend was working throughout the call — we’d arranged it as a coffee break chat but maybe that wasn’t clear. It was nice to see someone but disappointing that the closeness wasn’t there. They haven’t contacted me since.
Home alone
I live alone and I do like that. I am someone who likes to feel in control of their space, to keep it clean and quite tidy, while letting certain things go. I can live with people but now that I’m in my 30s; I was like this in my mid to late 20s if I’m honest, I want to care about the space I live in. Fine isn’t good enough. I have my pictures up, my desk ready to use and the right cooking equipment to make the meals I most enjoy. No more barely-working-student-halls-pans and pots with odd lids. These are the good things about living alone.
The downside to not having housemates is that a space feels empty when you walk into it. My little studio doesn’t have the presence of another person and never has. I can’t just turn to someone and say a thought or share a funny video I watched.
Reaching out
I could start texting people with the things I would say to a housemate, but that feels imposing. And, I really want them to think of me sometimes too. I guess someone has to start a change in dynamic in our friendship? Someone has set the precedent. If they don’t reply then it might be a sign that it isn’t the kind of relationship they want that works for them. There is always a chance that they want what I want, someone to reach out first — granted only a few of my friends live alone as most have housemates or partners.
All this is to say that I’m reaching what I hope is the bottom of a downswing in isolation loneliness. I’m not wanting to give in to feelings of depression or letting myself become so stilted by indecision that I don’t at least try to reach out.
As I write this, I am making a choice. I am going to reach out to one friend per day, by text or phone (probably text) and check in. Maybe it’ll lead to a conversation or connection, maybe it won’t, but I’ll have tried.
How are you coping with isolation? Are you feeling lonely in there?
